exhaustion

This is from Monday. I went back to work on Tuesday. Now I am completely exhausted .

  

That is one thing about working full time and coming home. You get exhausted. I know I am probably being a sissy. My mother-in-law works 10 times as hard as me every single day, so I really have no excuse. But I still get tired. As I learned from this training we did for the last 2.5 days,  I am missing some skills. Probably for me I am missing a whole ton of them. Obviously I need to decide to work on a few of them at a time. 

I think the main problem about doing all this full-time work then needing to come home and cook dinner and be supportive though, although they say I just need the skills, is really this: You don't get time to really think. I can't say I even approximated being a good parent while I was home this summer, but at least I had a few hours in there to think. And sometimes I did feed my children. When you work full time and come home and do all that keeping the house up stuff (which has not been happening this week, let me tell you), you have hardly any time to sit and reflect about anything, much less how you might do things better. I get physically exhausted from having to wake up early to get everything going and drop everyone off and not being able to take a nap. Obviously the executive functioning and emotional regulation pieces are tough for me, and probably where I need to build a lot of skills. At the same time, I feel like I just need a big break from everyone and everything. A big one. From the kids. From cleaning up the house. Several hours to myself with no demands or pressures. 

Gawr. Whine whine whine. What a bad example I am being. People do well if they can, right? I don't think I can. I would write about our cranky neighbor more, and she deserves her own whiny post, but apparently she said she thinks I am not a good parent. I usually don't give a *(swear word of choice here)* what other people think, but when someone insults my integrity or basic capabilities it is something that I internalize. Then I read some post about NFP and how one of the reasons to have less children is if the parent's skills are low and I thought, darnit, that is me. Then I felt all sad because really I would be happy with about 7 children, but maybe I am not supposed to have that many anyway. So I realize I need to become a much better parent even to just help the two little people that I have right now. But I don't feel like I can even do anything. I feel paralyzed. It feels like too much and I just want a break and most of all, I want a nap. 

Park it

County Fair junkies

 We have gone to county fairs the last two weekends. I like fairs, don't get me wrong, but I am starting to feel a little silly about going twice. We went to the Marion County Fair on Thursday of last week (July 10) then on Saturday of the following week (July 19) we went to the Linn County Fair. The Linn County Fair seemed to be better attended (although we did go on different days of the week, so it's a little harder to really compare) and there were more ride options for the littler kids.  I entered two jams, my snickerdoodles and some garlic in the Marion County Fair. 

Funny thing... Nana was raving about my strawberry jam and was sure it would win first place. I also entered my cherry jam. The cherry jam ended up taking third and the strawberry jam didn't place at all! The snickerdoodles won third prize in the drop cookies lot, and ironically, the garlic, which I threw in at the last minute (because I harvested my garlic from my community garden and realized I had 125 heads of garlic to choose from), took first prize and best of class. This is entirely due to the fact that there were only about 10 entries total in the vegetables class, and I was the only garlic entry. It made me laugh. I went by the entries multiple times throughout the day just because I thought it was so funny how the judging turned out completely differently than I expected. Anyway, entering stuff in the fair is fun. I'll try again next year. The only bummer is that the judges didn't write any feedback about my entries, so I'm not sure what I should have done differently for the jams (the snickerdoodles I am assuming is more a personal preference, since there are lots of different kinds of cookies in "drop cookies"... mine won out over the other snickerdoodle entry - not that it actually matters at all - but it is fun). I looked online for guidelines for how to display the garlic and found a pretty in-depth explanation from some place in Wisconsin, so maybe there is something similar for jams. The fair people said their guidelines were in their entry information, but I found it to be a little vague. They also said I couldn't watch the judging, but I'm sure it would have been informative. Maybe next year I can finagle my way in to observe the judging. 

Actually, next year, it would be fun to have Isaac enter some things in the fair. There are categories for art, and even Lego sculptures! 

This is probably over-the-top boring for people who don't enter things in county fairs, so without further ado, I'll just go on to pictures of the kids. 

 Sonia's first ride! She got scared halfway through so the guy let her off early.

These are from the Linn County Fair.

 There was a little mister the little mister could walk under to cool off.

Ah, I'm ready for it to be summer again.

Reunion!

Today we went up to Portland for a get-together at a park with Spencer, my old RA from freshman year. (Not that he is particularly old, but, you know what I mean.) I was somewhat contemplating going, then saw that my old friend Billy was going too, and finally yesterday I decided that yes, I would go. I'm so glad we did!

I hadn't seen Spencer since probably around the time he graduated (so, the end of my freshman year... 9 years... unreal stuff. I wanna say I saw him once since then, but I couldn't tell you actually when), but he was such an awesome RA and really helped make our wing of Wilson Hall cohesive and just awesome in general. A good first year college experience. 

Brian lived right across the hall from me and we were good buds. He came to our wedding. Embarrassingly it seems that the last time we actually talked face-to-face was when he came with Steve to visit Isaac when Isaac was just a few weeks old. So, dear friends, I'm sorry I have been neglecting our friendship over the last 5 years. That is pretty lame. I am determined to get together more often now. I mean, at least once a year is not ridiculous. We live less than an hour away from each other now. 

I don't know if I had seen Billy since our wedding! So sad, because Billy also is one of my good buds. Anyway, it was so nice to catch up and see what they are up to now. 

If my tummy looks a little pudgy in the picture, it might be partially because maybe it is, but also because we did quite a bit of snacking. I think I snacked pretty constantly for 3 hours. That'll do it to a person. It was definitely worth it. The whole day was definitely worth it! 

Silver Falls hike

Wednesday we went on a hike at Silver Falls. It was a nice day for a hike, not as hot as the days before! Or, maybe it just seemed cooler. There was a nice breeze and lots of shade there. I brought Sonia in the umbrella stroller, but now I realize that next time I go, if I am going to bring a stroller, I should bring the jogging stroller. However, the best of all would be to use one of those hiking backpack carriers so Sonia could just ride. I think we could have gone quite a bit farther. Isaac had energy and Sonia had patience.

 I brought some minimal snacks along. I guess it was good in that it prepared me for bringing more snacks the following day (Thursday we went to the Marion County Fair).

 Here's little Sonia just stomping along. She likes to do a big step walk/stomp sometimes.

 Sonia was pretty scared of the waterfall and wanted to stay in her stroller at all times when we were near it. But, by the way back, she was starting to say "water fall" (as two words).

 I like Silver Falls because (at least at the South Falls) you get to walk behind the waterfall! It is really a cool experience! We got to see it from every angle.

We hiked all the way down to where we could see the Lower South Falls, but then there were a bunch of stairs, so we turned back.

 We got a kick out of this sign.

Sonia was not wanting to be put down, but finally she did and was interested in playing in this old, dead, hollow stump. It was cute, and fun that they left it there. Next time we go to Silver Falls, we'll bring our hiking backpack and go discover a new waterfall!

LOTS of children

Okay…. trying to get a cute picture to go with this and the Mac is being picky with the card reader. It holds a personal grudge from all the times I have not gone through its "eject card safely" protocol.

I guess I thought a cute picture would go nicely, but oh well. Probably I can add one later, in theory.

I have been thinking a lot about number of kids.

This isn't about the "right" number of kids.

I just think there are a lot of odd perceptions out there about this and wanted to address several points as pertain to number of children. This is not meant to be in any sort of organized fashion because, let's face it, I'm not particularly good at constructing arguments, and it is way past my bed time. So here goes.

1) The first, quite obviously, being, why do strangers feel the need to comment on the number of children you have or do not have? I find it socially inappropriate and rude! There are 5 million little articles out there on Facebook about "57 things not to tell a woman with 7 kids/woman with no kids/woman with 2.3 kids" but I think it all boils down to the same thought - not really your business, stranger dude/lady.
Scenario: I'm scoping out the organic vs. conventional vs. hoping for some organic in the red-band section bananas at Fred Meyer in Eugene. Isaac, London and Sonia are with me. Isaac and London are each nicely holding on to one side of the cart, Sonia in the seat. Hm, so many bananas, so many choices, choices.
Random stranger: "Wow, you have your hands full. Are you going to have any more?" (not of bananas, mind you!)
My thoughts: HOLD UP DUDE. I'm checking out bananas. I didn't ask you about your sex life and I don't particularly feel the need to share mine with yours. And technically my hands are completely free. Note how I am turning the bananas as I visually inspect them for ripeness.
What I actually say: "Oh, hopefully some day!" or "That would be nice!"

Just sayin', peeps. Next time you have a thought about a random stranger, think about what your mama would say if you just blurted it out to them. Kinda like Isaac telling random smokers that smoking is bad for them. Except in that case there is more scientific backing to his assertion - still not socially appropriate.

Let me take this a little further though. I feel like it isn't an appropriate question for many situations at all. Maybe a heart-to-heart with a family member in a totally non-judgmental way, or a close friend. Maybe. Maybe. Not small talk chit-chat at a party. When people ask me this, I give a vague answer, and guess what? I purposefully do not ask the same question back because I find it inappropriate. So, if you ever ask me and I don't ask you back, you are going to have to volunteer that information if you want me to know. Just trying to model what I consider socially appropriate behavior. I have high hopes for myself and generally don't meet them, but on this issue… yeah….I think if everyone just left people's number of children decision up to them, that would probably be more socially appropriate. Let's not get into any philosophical arguments here because I think I have a pretty valid social etiquette argument and that is all I am trying to make.

2) Someone actually said once (she was an only child, so maybe that is why), when I mentioned a friend who had six children (I use number of children as street cred for any special knowledge - not sure how others use it - in this case it was how to properly care for the hair of biracial African-Caucasian babies), "Wow, she must be really fertile!" I had to pause and process this for a second. "No, " I responded, "the oldest is 11 and the youngest was just born…" Then I realized that other people might have a totally warped view of what is natural, what with all that personal biochemistry modification a lot of women do here in the U.S.A. I will use my mother-in-law once again as the example of all that is perfect in the world (have I done this before? Maybe only in verbal conversations. But, it is true. She did a good job.). She had 12 children, naturally spaced about 2 years apart, and didn't start particularly young (probably around 18 or so) and had children for the time she could naturally have children. So, in my mind, 12 is probably about the number (give or take a few) that a woman could expect to have in her lifetime if she were to start at a reasonable age of at least being an adult, then going until menopause. Again, my mother-in-law is pretty close to perfect so I know not everyone can live up to her example, but I'm just saying, for someone who is healthy that this number might be about average natural lifespan fertility. So six would not be outrageously fertile. This friend might have just started later.

3) So, let's break it down into the actual numbers. What really set off my whole thought process with this topic is that someone, on a spreadsheet somewhere, in a certain co-op in which I bought some items, was asking people to put "number of kids" and for herself put "lots". So in my mind, that means "8 or more". I later find out she actually has a grand total of "four". Wah-wah. Then I see this again, somewhere, for someone ELSE who also has only FOUR kids. Oh dear! The semantics police in me is on high alert because now people are flinging the word "lots" around and they only mean "four" people. Just to check I'm going to look up the definition on dictionary.com. Maybe I'm wrong.
Nope. As a pronoun from http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/lots?s=t:

— pron  (preceded by a )

1.

a great number or quantity: a lot to do ; a lot of people ; a lot of trouble I guess it's that "great" number that throws people off. Obviously, four kids is great. I grew up as one of four kids and it was always a party at our house. I didn't think there were "lots" of us though. So let's take a look at that definition of "great" from the same pretty decent source. great   [greyt]  Show IPA adjective, great·er, great·est. 1. unusually or comparatively large in size or dimensions: A great fire destroyed nearly half the city. 2. large in number; numerous: Great hordes of tourists descend on Europe each summer. 3. unusual or considerable in degree, power, intensity, etc.: great pain. 4. wonderful; first-rate; very good: We had a great time. That's great! 5. being such in an extreme or notable degree: great friends; a great talker. Okay, but in all seriousness, people, let's think about this for real. Unless you are going with number 5 as your definition of great, which is not the one I think the definers of "a lot" intended, and you think 4 is extreme just because you do, I am ready to totally discount things you say if you start referring to your four kids as "a lot". It might be "a lot of work" (unusual or considerable in degree) or "a lot of exercise" or "a lot of stress" or "a lot of noise" but it is not "a lot of kids". Last time I checked, kids are people. And four people is not "a lot". If you said, "Oh, yeah, a LOT of people came to my thesis defense" or "There were a LOT of people at my party," and I later found out that there were a grand total of 4 (and three of them were your committee ;)) I would have to start wondering if you were stretching the truth in other things. So, after having thought about it and talking with people from families of different sizes, these are my semantics police guidelines for how all should refer to number of children if they are going to be sissies and not just flat out say the number: Number of kids- 1-4: Small family. You're barely over one hand to count ALL the members of your family including the parents. Small beans. This is firmly in small party territory. Nothing wrong with it, but it's not "lots". 5-7: Medium size. Still just somewhere in the middle. Not quite enough to say you had a big party, so not enough to say you have a big family. Because, a family is kind of like a party at least 50% of the time. Still no "lots" usage rights. 8-9: Questionable middle ground. You could probably start calling your family big at 8 if you wanted to, because technically it takes all fingers on BOTH hands to count all your family members, but not quite all the fingers to count all the kids. But, you've done a lot of work at this point and there are probably some crazy boys or rowdy girls in the mix so knock yourself out if you want to say your family is big. 10 +: You have earned the right to call your family big, if you so choose. You have to use both hands just to count the kids and that is fair enough evidence for using the word "lots".  You are pretty close to the natural fertility average (see above).  If you said you had a "pretty big" party and there were 10-12 people there, I wouldn't be too quick to poo-poo you. Not as impressive as a 50 person party, but maybe with extended family you could swing it. Those are all my thoughts. Someone more enlightened, feel free to share yours. Just don't say you have lots of kids (unless of course, you meet my criteria specified above - then have at it!).

Can you just please spell NETFLIX?

This is what Isaac just asked me. "I want to watch something on Netflix." 

I realized I had been taking more pictures of the girls. They were having fun playing with balls. 

 Isaac is our silly little mister and we love him too. So I took a few pictures of him! 

Silly face.

 Silly face.

 Face.

 Sweet face!

We had a hot day a few days ago but luckily there was enough shade in our backyard that the kids were able to play out there most of the day without feeling all cooped up.